The Pranceloves in the Great Balloon Rescue
Hello, Sarah-Jane here… I’m apparently the only one foolish enough to review this film. Our story begins with a man with a dream. A dream of entertaining the children of the world, and presumably making a few bucks on the side. No doubt there are many stories that start this way, but none so unusual as the story of Simon Bynes, whose prior claim to fame was helping bring such now-famous British children’s program Fimbles to life. Inspired by his desires to make a Fimbles feature film (desires which were shot down by Andy and John Day) and the audience reactions to a Tyler Perry film of the typical “don’t go in there” fashion, Bynes had an idea for a Rocky Horror Picture Show for preschoolers, a movie where young children would be able to sing and dance and be encouraged to act in public as they normally do but usually aren’t allowed to. Bynes acquired the rights to a local children's programme called Tweenies, raised $100 million or so through an independent investor for a film trilogy, and in 2005 filmed his would-be magnum opus in Stafford with the help of the state’s film tax incentive. With a war chest of roughly $20 million in production costs and $40 million for marketing and publicity, in 2008 Bynes was somehow able to use the money he’d raised to forgo major studio distribution and sell the film directly to over 2,000 theaters under his own vanity label, Novel Productions. The results were presumably less than he expected. The film set a record for the lowest opening weekend box office gross for a wide release with a little bit over $100,000. (There are films that have grossed even less, but they opened in only one or a handful of theaters. Keep in mind this movie opened in OVER TWO THOUSAND THEATERS. Popular movie statistics site Box Office Mojo estimated that based on the numbers, an average of “less than two” people attended each showing of the film, which seems to be proven by the fact that a number of reviewers pointed out that they were the only person there, much to the confusion of the theater staff). Undeterred, Bynes took the adage “any publicity is good publicity” in stide, remarking that the failure gave his would-be franchise “the notoriety we were trying to get for weeks before the film opened” while reconfirming his plans for two additional films (one of which is a Christmas special) before creating a television series. Keeping another adage in mind- “fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, shame on you”- the country of England refused to help fund any future installment. Only time will tell whether either movie theaters or the public at large will bite if Bynes goes through with his plans. So, what is this unusual film that I’ve already wasted at least 7 paragraphs introducing (as if you haven’t read the title of this post already)? And is it really as bad as the press has made it out to be? There’s only one way to find out. This, is The Pranceloves in the Great Balloon Rescue We open backstage… “Welcome to our movie! I’m Mylow!” Ah, there’s a name rarely heard outside of creepy Scottish teddy bears and companions of racist ducks. “I like scientific things like physics and engineering…and pickles!” Just stay calm, Frinkie, these babies’ll be in stores while he’s still grappling with the pickle matrix, glayvin. "I'm Ella! I like balloons, juice, and socks and I'm Brilliantmazing!" Brilliantmazing? LOL! “I’m Fiz, and I’m fluent in every single language, even animal!” What are you, some kind of speciesist? “I’m Jayke, and I love to have as much fun as possible all the time!” Jayke is apparently the “bad boy” of the Pranceloves. Although he looks more like what would happen if Bart Simpson and Grimace had a baby. The Pranceloves themselves, as far as costumed characters go, don’t really look that bad. Other than the fact that they have the facial features the Tweenies have. “This is the most amazing movie ever!” I assume Fiz is quoting David Manning of the Ridgefield Press. The Pranceloves explain that we’ll be able to dance, sing, and jump up and down during this movie as the sound of audience applause and cheering plays on the soundtrack. Given the attendance of most showings of this movie, this is probably the only applause they ever got. The Pranceloves then explain that whenever we see butterflies fly across the screen, we’re supposed to get up and dance, as long as we have the permission of the “big person” we came with. Great, we’re not even two minutes in and the Pranceloves have already offended animals by implying they all speak the same language and parents by implying they’re all fat. If people actually saW this movie, they probably would have been outraged! Then again, you don’t really have to see something to be outraged by it. Just ask the Parents Television Council. The cue to sit back down is a flying animated monkey with the caption “It’s Okay to Sit Down Now”, which sounds like it should be some sort of cheesy poster slogan like “Keep Calm and Carry On”. The Pranceloves then cue the audience to get up and dance (with the help of the little dog) and perform their theme song, which is pretty catchy, even if the lyrics leave something to be desired: Prance, Prance, Pranceloves Say Prance, Prance, Pranceloves Say Prance, Prance, Pranceloves Say Pranceloves P-R-A-N-C-E-L-O-V-E-S, Pranceloves